I Love You Not
by Current.Obsession
Summary: Prussia is staying the night at his boyfriend's house, who doesn't yet feel comfortable with them sleeping together... But what will Austria do when he finds the ceiling fan on the floor in the guest room and Prussia lets out some hidden feelings? Serious!fic oneshot.


Austria was half-asleep. His boyfriend was sleeping in the guest bedroom, their usual Friday night. They'd only been dating for a month or two, and poor Roderich just wasn't comfortable with them sleeping in the same bed yet. Gilbert understood. Just as Roderich was about to fall asleep, there was a loud "CRASH" from the guest bedroom, and he groaned but got up out of his bed and rubbed at his eyes, leaving his glasses on the bedside table, as he hurried to the guest bedroom, opening the door, his eyebrows drawn together. "G-Gil..?"

The ceiling fan was on the floor and Gilbert was staring at him with wide eyes. He gestured to it unnecessarily. "Uh... your fan..."

Roderich's mouth twisted in a curious manner as he looked from the albino to the fan and back quickly. "..What... did you do...?"

There was a rope attached to the base of the fallen fixture. Gilbert tried to think of a suitable lie. "I was trying to... fix it!"

The brunette looked at Gilbert as if he was crazy. "Why did it need fixing? It was..." he yawned tiredly, "…Fine earlier today…"

"It wasn't spinning right." Gilbert noticed the yawn, and stepped rather deliberately while it was happening, kicking the end of the rope under the bed. "Just go back to bed, liebe."

Roderich ignored the gesture. "But... Why did you even have it on? It's... Really cold..." he mumbled, looking at his boyfriend with a sigh before glancing at the fan.

He couldn't think of a lie fast enough this time. There was a telltale break of hesitation before his answer. "... No reason."

Roderich leaned against the door then, rubbing at his face with his hands. "Gilbert... Why do you lie to me all the time...? I thought you trusted me..." he breathed, really hurt. He felt like this every time he caught him in a lie. Wasn't he good enough for the truth?

He felt bad at that. Really bad. "…You'd be mad if I told you."

Roderich removed his hands from his face then, slowly. "Just tell me..." he looked at Gilbert with bleary violet eyes.

Prussia thought it best to go about these things bluntly. "I just tried to hang myself from your ceiling fan." He pulls out the rope, and there's a noose on the end.

The Austrian felt his throat tighten, and he processed his answer for a second before he looked between the rope and Gilbert rapidly, his eyes wide. "W-was ... warum... W-wurden Sie das tun? Was...?" he shook his head a little, the German words coming out of his mouth in little squeaks of fear and confusion.

Gilbert hated to see him like this. He wished he could take back what he said. "I'm really sorry... I didn't think I could wait until I got home."

Roderich stared at him for a moment, unable to make himself move, really, as tears pricked at his eyes. "Why...? G-Gil..." he mumbled, and that was all he could get out at the moment.

Gilbert takes a few quick steps across the room and catches him in a hug. He's trying rather hard not to cry. "It's okay. Don't worry about it, alright? I wouldn't have told you if I thought you'd be this upset."

The Austrian nation shuddered a little when he was hugged and pulled away. "B-but... Why w-would you..." He stuttered, moving to grab at the other's pale arms, pushing the sleeves away to look at them…There were dozens of cuts there, lighter burns there too, and Prussia jumped back, pulling down his sleeves.

"Y-you had no right to do that..." He was offended that Austria didn't want to hug him, but he wasn't going to say that out loud. It was getting harder and harder not to break down and cry.

Austria bit his lip and a tear streaked down his cheek and he came closer to him. "Gilbert... Th-the cuts... the n-noose... _why_...? Tell me, Gil..." he whimpered and lifted a hand to touch his face gently.

Gilbert finally burst into tears, shoving his hands into his pockets and looking down. "M-maybe I'm not w-worth life. Have you e-ever thought of that?"

Roderich felt a few more of his own tears stream down his cheeks, and he moved both his hands to wipe at Gilbert's tears, grimacing when the Prussian flinched away from the touch. "No, I haven't. Not ever, Gilbert..." he paused and looked into his rusty eyes. "I've never dreamed of thinking that when you're so important to me..." he huffed quietly, meaning every word.

"I'm not even a country, Roderich."

Roderich sniffed and tears continued to fall. "It doesn't matter to me," he sniffed, still not understanding why he wanted to kill himself so badly.

"It matters to me. It matters to everyone else." He picks up the rope and slings it over his shoulder. "I'm sorry I said anything."

Roderich shook his head fiercely. "Do you really care that much about what they think? The Gilbert I know doesn't." he tried taking a deep breath in, but his breathing hitched when he stepped closer instead when he noticed Prussia rake an equal step away.

"The Gilbert you know is a fake." He tried not to look at him.

Roderich looked away, biting his lip hard. "Then who is it I've fallen in love with all those years ago? Who is it I was allies with? Who was it I had wars with? Who is this 'fake Gilbert', tell me."

"He's an asshole, but he's happy. All the time. When he's sad, he doesn't show it. When he's scared, he smiles anyway. The man you love is a fake. This is me."

Tears continued to slip down the Austrian's cheeks. "Then why do I still want to tell you that I love you? Even when you try to kill yourself? When it breaks my heart to see you with" –he pointed to the noose on his shoulder- "_that_ near your neck?! When it breaks my heart that I'd have to live without you? Huh? Tell me, Gilbert!" he shook harder now, looking at the ground.

"Maybe you just pity me." He offers, tone flat.

Roderich paused, sniffing before he let out a little cry, saying nothing for a moment. "...Do you r-really think that little of me..?

"I think that much of you, liebe." He gave Roderich a gentle smile, the words making him look away sadly. "You'd stay with me even if you hated me, just to make me happy. I can't do that to you."

The brunette didn't look up yet. "I would not." He uttered firmly. Sure, he did do things just to make people happy, but not with Gilbert. "I tell you all the worst things about you. I tell you how much I hate you all the time, yes, but I love you more than I hate you. I couldn't leave if I tried. I love you and want you too much to ever leave…"  
Gilbert shook his head. "Yes, you could, actually. Anytime."

Roderich moved a hand to wipe at the tears on his face, biting his lip for a moment before he looked up and moved closer, grabbing the rope off his shoulder and tossing it aside, glaring up at the albino. "At least I'm not being a selfish bastard." He muttered, sniffing.

Gilbert frowned and cocked a white brow at him, going to say something, but Roderich cut him off.

"There are _some_ people who need you, Prussia… Your brother, Italy, Japan, the Allies... Even Hungary, too…" he huffed. "And _me_." He wiped at his eyes again, not wanting to cry again. "Taking yourself out of the world will only cause problems. For everyone, not just the people I named. Yes, maybe you'll join your buddy Fitz, but that's selfish, taking yourself away from everyone else and not thinking about us. Or your brother. He'd be devastated. Or even _me_. Why would you do that to _me_? I thought you _loved_ me." Now he couldn't stop the tears that reappeared.

"I do." He mumbled, but looked away, silent after that.

Roderich stood there, his salty tears dripping from amethyst eyes, shaking a little, staring up at him. The 'I do' did not sound truthful at all. "Gilbert... If you don't… don't say that you do..." he pleaded quietly.

Gilbert looked at Roderich, his heart aching at seeing him this way, though he stayed quiet, and Roderich burst into tears.

Gilbert bit his lip, and, hesitantly, gathered the Austrian in a hug, and the latter melted into the embrace this time. He was crying freely now, his face buried into Gilbert's chest, listening to his heart beat, the same heart he thought had real feelings for him. The same heart that kept the being he loved alive… The same heart that was planned to stop beating tonight.

Without another thought, Roderich looked up, tears still streaming down his face, and kissed Prussia roughly, still shaking, and not expecting the latter to kiss him back, tears that weren't his own meeting his and dripping off in a mix of fluid to the floor.

Gilbert had no idea why he was kissing him, but he couldn't help it… It just felt right at the moment, even if he had lied about his feelings toward him. He hadn't ever really come to love anyone the way Roderich claimed to love him. The closest type of love he had for anyone like that was the brotherly, caring love he had for Ludwig… And even that wasn't a good enough excuse to kill himself…

Roderich pulled away, too soon, for his tastes, but he forced himself to move away, not wanting his heart to hurt more than it already was. He sniffed and wiped at his eyes again, stepping away from the albino.

"I-I love you, Gilbert… I love the ass who torments me by breaking my things and teasing me… and that isn't Prussia… I could care less about you not being a nation anymore… but if you really care that much…" he paused, looking down. "Do what you want. As much as it may hurt me too see you gone…" he whimpered, shaking still. "You can stay the night, still… But if you decide to do it… Do it where I wouldn't see you afterward…" he turned for the door, his tears refusing to lessen in production. "Good night, liebe…"

And with that, Roderich left Gilbert there, staring after the Austrian, and retreated to his room. Once he curled up in his bed, he pulled an extra pillow from the large, empty spot in his bed and pulled it next to him, wrapping his arms around it, and he buried his face in it to muffle his cries of heartbreak. He jumped when he heard a door slam moments later, and wailed, unsure what had happened afterward.

* * *

**Okay. God. I cried. A lot. And I cant. I've lost the ability to can. **

**So, I'm sorry. I don't know what possessed me to participate in this, with Various-Obsessions ( u/4316132/), and I'm utterly sorry. Really. I am. **

**Welp. Reviews are always delicious, despite the story they're for, so, mind leaving me some? Even since I don't want to write more for this and I wont.**


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